


Shattered Secrets

by SamJoinedtheReconCorps



Series: A Flame in the Shadows [23]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, BECAUSE WE'RE IN THIS BITCH, Emotional Hurt, Fear, Feelings Realization, HOLY SHIT GANG, I DON'T HAVE TO TAG EP 97 SPOILERS ANYMORE, M/M, Political Intrigue, Post ep 97, Regret, angst angst angst, fuck guys, spoilers for the wildemount fireside chat, this one hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:20:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23686036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamJoinedtheReconCorps/pseuds/SamJoinedtheReconCorps
Summary: Now in Nicodranas, the Mighty Nein head over to see Martinet Ludinus Da'leth - and they meet his friend, Dezran Thain.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Series: A Flame in the Shadows [23]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1648909
Comments: 24
Kudos: 112





	Shattered Secrets

**Author's Note:**

> okay guys, sorry this has been a long time coming T.T but homework and online classes have turned into so much more than i bargained for T.T
> 
> I wanted to drop this fic last night, but left it for this morning to give me time to reread and clean it up, but okay okay, enough talking about me, we're finally on THAT episode my dudes, like holy shit, I love you guys all so much and I hope you like this fic!! Enjoy!!

Going into the jungle, the last thing on the Mighty Nein’s mind - or at least the last thing on Caleb’s mind - was finding out that Jester  _ was _ actually a part of a cult, led by an archfey. Once that was established, it didn’t come as any particular surprise to find out that Jester was pretty much the leader of said cult. It kind of checked out, honestly.

Then the strange, acid spewing bugs? That seemed par for the course. The gorgon that had turned the Stone family and the Clays to literal stone? Well, it would have been too easy if they had simply lost track of time in the oasis. While that battle had been absolutely terrifying, especially when Fjord went down and Beau got petrified, they managed to pull through,  _ restoring _ Caduceus’ mother, father, and sister, Calliope, and doing their best to put his Aunt Corrin back together before Caleb used  _ vault of amber _ to safeguard the pieces they had managed to find. They would figure something out to bring her back too, he was sure of it.

After all of that, and after setting an  _ alarm _ at the entrance of the cave where the Stones made their home, they had a moment to relax before resting for the night. In this bit of respite, Caleb approached Nott, who seemed to be getting ready to meditate.

“W-w-where is your head at?” Caleb finally asks after he opens up the conversation with some light “god” talk. He’s been dreading this, but he knows that if they don't talk about it he’ll regret not doing it much more.

“Well, I mean I’ve been thinking about it quite some, ah, quite a lot,” Nott starts, looking down to the ground. “And I must say, seeing Caduceus reunited with his mother was,” she meets Caleb’s gaze. “It was wonderful, um - it was nice.” She looks away for a brief second. “I’d like that again. For me.”

“You don’t want to be a goblin,” Caleb says matter-of-factly.

“I don’t,” Nott agrees. “No, no.”

“But what’s going on in here,” Caleb continues, pointing to his head, before gesturing to the rest of his body. “Has nothing to do with what’s out here, you know? So if you turn yourself back to your old you -” He pauses, taking in how hesitant and nervous she looks. “You know, wherever you are in your journey and-and, and your, your outlook, the outside is going to have no bearing on it.”

She nodded. “Yeah, I -”

Caleb kept going. “You still have to make the same decisions even if you’re back to yourself.” He gave her a halfhearted smile. “Self, what is self?”

“I do think - I do think your physical appearance, it does matter,” she said. “I mean, it's, it’s not everything.”

“Well, it is a reality you must deal with,” Caleb added, very acutely aware of the scars criss crossing his arms. But with Nott it was more than just presentation - her whole body was torn away from her and she was given a form not her own. It would be a harsh reality for anyone to undergo against their will.

“Yes, it has an effect on your life,” Nott readily agreed. “And I, I don’t know how much it's had an effect on mine.” She shrinked in on herself at that, but then shook her head, squaring her shoulders. “But I guess there’s only really one way to find out.”

“And if you change back,” Caleb started, blinking hard. Blinking back tears before they even had a chance to well up in his eyes. “Do you know - are you going to go home, or? To your family?”

She nodded slowly. “I think I’ve decided - I think I’ve made a decision.” She lapsed into silence, dropping her gaze from Caleb’s, missing the way his expression broke. When she looked up at him again, he quickly arranged himself into a semblance that looked like quiet thought. “But that’s two decisions. I’ve made the first - I th-I think I’m ready to change back.” Caleb couldn’t hide his sharp intake of breath. Nott noticed that, and she reached out hesitantly to hold his hand. “But what happens afterwards - I won’t know until I get there, I think.”

“I support whatever you choose,” Caleb said softly, honestly. Because he did. Even if it hurt. “But I will miss you if you go,” he finished, just as heartbreakingly honest.

Nott gave his hand a squeeze. “I’ll miss all of you, if I go.” Caleb tried not to let himself dwell on her  _ if _ rather than her  _ when _ . He didn’t want to get his hopes up. “I’ll miss you most of all. O-our time together has been so dangerous and deadly.” There was a softness in her eyes. “And incredible. And it’s been - it's been wonderful saving your life again and again.”

He smiled, and it hurt a little less. “I appreciate it.”

She returned the smile, looking happier now that he seemed even a little less sad. “I-I know you’re going to use your life to do,” she paused for a second, searching for the right word. “God-like things. And I’m - I hope I’m there to see it.”

“Can I admit something to you?” Caleb said quietly.

“Go ahead,” Nott encouraged.

Averting his gaze, he looked down at their joined hands. He felt too vulnerable, too raw and open, but he needed to say it. “It is a blessing to have family again.” He took a deep breath, but he knew his eyes were shiny with tears when he looked at her again. “I mean that in the realest sense of the word, it has been a blessing to me.” To him, a hollowed out shell of a man, haunted by scorched memories, now filled with so much good and light thanks to these people - filled with all the things he thought were impossibly out of reach for a sinner like him. “And I am so grateful for your,” he let out a shaky breath. It had all started with her, with Nott - she had helped him open up to the world again, and find the warm hearth rather than burning flames. “Presence next to me on the road.”

“I feel the same,” Nott admitted. “I-I don’t know what, ah, what our family is.”

“Hmm,” Caleb hummed, making a decision halfway through his answer. “A work in progress...Veth.”

“Yeah,” she nodded. “You’re not my, hmm…” she trailed off. “Well, baby steps I suppose.”

Caleb watched her, and gods was he just so, so thankful they were both thrown into the same prison all those months ago. “Yeah, sometimes words ruin it.”

“And, I-I don’t wanna make anybody shovel fifty pounds of clay while we’re here, so,” Nott shrugged.

“Soon,” Caleb promised.

Nott nodded. “Soon.”

“Soon,” Caleb repeated, needing to mentally get ready. Needing to emotionally get ready.

She squeezed his hand. “And you’ll be there for it?”

“I will absolutely be there for it,” Caleb assured.

“Alright,” Nott said softly. “Well, maybe for the last time - goodnight, Caleb.”

Maybe for the last time. “Goodnight, Nott...the Brave.”

And while he had been planning on just getting his night’s rest, he should have expected Jester and Beau to convince the majority of the group to go out and play pranks on the petrified citizens, so when they got unpetrified they would be slightly more confused than they already were. Caduceus had already left, probably to spend some time with his family, and, after declining Jester’s invitation to go with them to defile the huts, he found himself alone. He didn’t feel comfortable sleeping by himself - didn’t feel safe enough to do so - so he rummaged through his pack until he found the collar that had clamped down around his neck in the Archmage’s Bane, the one that had blocked him from using his spells.

He began to examine it, considering maybe taking it apart slowly and carefully to get a better sense of its construction, and letting his fingers glide over the runes and glyphs on its side before he paused. Any false move when dealing with something so old and intricate could ruin the whole thing. He needed to be careful - he needed to have a second chance available to him.

Without missing a beat, he pulled out one of the pearls he carried, placing it to his forehead and quietly saying the incantation, feeling a dual heartbeat begin to hum to life in his chest. It felt warm and comforting, relieving some of the loneliness that had been plaguing him since he realized how close they were to Nott - to Veth - leaving their group. He closed his eyes, basking in that feeling for a moment, feeling a soft memory skirt just out of his grasp before he looked down at the collar.

Opening it up slowly, he gets through stripping it down of three main pieces before he feels something give, and that echo of a heartbeat syncs up with his own and Caleb realizes that the piece that gave was where a power source could go - the only component that he was missing. He needed to find a replacement for the magics that Halas’ central clockwork tower provided as a power source, and then he may have the collar functioning again. Right now he didn’t have the tools at his disposal to try to create a suitable replacement, but maybe once they went home he could experiment with different things, maybe Essek might be able to help -

_ Soft dark skin beneath his fingertips, the pearl disappearing like stardust on his forehead. Essek, understanding and helpful, letting Caleb try  _ Fortune’s Favor _ on him, helping Caleb finally successfully cast it. _

The memory made him smile.  _ Ja _ , he thought, Essek could help.

* * *

Even though he didn’t  _ have _ to be in Nicodranas for all the preparatory work, Essek didn’t feel comfortable leaving it all in the hands of Martinet Ludinus Da’leth.

Which was why Essek had  _ teleported _ to Nicodranas in the early dawn morning of the coastal city. It was better to arrive at that hour, when the sun still hung low in the sky and cool mist rose from the ocean water like steam. It gave everything a surreal, alien quality that Essek wasn’t accustomed to since this kind of coastal phenomena was absent in Rosohna, but it was absolutely beautiful in it's unfamiliarity. He knew he could arrive in the cover of night, but he didn’t want to risk being pointed out as a suspicious character, so he made sure to arrive after the sunrise, but before it got too hot in the day.

Today, with the heightened presence of more ships and Empire soldiers, Essek chanced a walk around the docks, just to get a lay of the land. He was in his  _ disguise _ , a pale elf in silver and teal robes, short, dirty blonde hair styled to what he considered an “arrogant point”. He walked with the parasol Jester gave him, also  _ disguised  _ to have a different pattern, in order to help keep the sun from bothering him.

He took in the  _ Blue Heaven,  _ the ship with the largest military presence and the Dwendalian crest adorning it's masts, the one that was to transport the Empire’s representatives for the meeting. Beside it was the  _ Wind of Aeons _ , the ship he was growing more familiar with. It was on that small redwood ship that Essek met with the Martinet, where he had spent the last two days discussing information and how their “partnership” was to continue after all of this ended. He wrinkled his nose in disgust as he turned away from the Cerberus Assembly flags.

Continuing down the docks, he took note of a handful of merchant ships, some Zhelezo navy ships docked and having repairs or hauling cargo, a couple of smaller ships that seemed like leisure vessels. He got to the eastern edge, about to turn around when he caught sight of a tortle on the deck of one of the ships, looking out towards the ocean, an expression of concentration on his face. Essek had never seen a tortle in person before, and had only really heard of them in the books he’d read or through the reports of the Menagerie Coast he’d received.

The tortle looked around the dock, his eyes passing over all the neighboring ships and dockhands flitting to and fro when his eyes landed on Essek. He raised an amiable hand in greeting, and Essek found himself politely returning the gesture as well, finally turning around to head back to the  _ Wind of Aeons _ . He caught sight of the ship’s name as he took his leave -  _ The Balleater. _

Something about the name tugged at his memory, but he merely shook it aside with a small smile. Jester would love to hear about the name of this ship, that’s for sure.

Getting back to the  _ Wind of Aeons _ didn’t take long, and the rest of the morning was taken up by discussion with Da’leth and negotiations, things that Essek was prepared for but that were no less troublesome and frustrating having to go through. It didn’t help that Ludinus liked to hold the “easier” negotiations with others on deck, in the bright sun. He claimed it was because he liked to feel the ocean breeze, but Essek knew it was just so that he could make Essek squirm uncomfortably under it's harsh light.

But Essek was stubborn, and didn’t like to admit weakness, so he suffered through it all with the parasol firmly tucked in his pocket dimension.

The sun was starting to beat particularly hard during their conversation with Lord Uludan when the Empire soldiers began to crowd around the boarding plank of the ship, speaking in hushed voices to someone Essek couldn’t quite see.

“We request an audience,” someone announced, and Essek felt himself falter where he floated a few inches off the deck of the ship. But no, that wasn’t - they were in the jungle near the Whitedawn Lagoon, there was no way -

“ _ Ja _ ,” another voice started, the Zemnian lilt unmistakable, a voice Essek would recognize anywhere, in any lifetime if he were granted more. “We would like to request a meeting with, ah, Martinet, ah, Da’leth, and, ah, Master Ikithon if they are present.” 

“Um, and who might you be, if I could ask please?” one of the guards asked.

There was a beat of silence. “We’re the Mighty Nein,” Beauregard gruffly answered, and Essek felt his insides shrivel up.

“They are expecting us,” Caleb easily added.

“We’re here - we’re here as liaisons to the meeting,” Beauregard finished.

“I’ll return momentarily, do not move or make any sort of aggressive actions, please,” the guard instructed.

Jester said something, something about dancing that Essek doesn’t quite catch as he begins to feel lightheaded, their arrival and the sun and his anxieties all rising up like a wave ready to tear him down, and he turns to Ludinus, who’s giving him a sharp look. 

“Feeling alright, Thain?” he quipped as one of the soldiers broke away from the group at the boarding plank, taking a few steps closer to them before the Martinet merely waved a hand. “Let them board.”

“I’m feeling wonderful, Ludinus,” Essek ground out, pasting a polite smile on his face for the sake of Lord Uludan’s presence. He could feel his breaths coming in shallower, but thankfully the illusion hid the panicked rise and fall of his chest as he saw Jester and Veth - always the two leading the charge - board the ship, followed by Beauregard and Fjord, Yasha and Caduceus, and finally Caleb, carefully taking in everything around them. Essek couldn’t have been more thankful that everyone’s attention was elsewhere as he felt his stomach drop to the ocean floor, his concentration breaking for the briefest of moments on his gravitational spell making him scramble to recast it to keep from being noticed.

“Ah, hello,” the Martinet greeted them once they were on the deck. “So, ah, glad you could make it. Um -”

“You were expecting us to be here, were you not?” Caleb asked.

“Well, you - you discussed the possibility of joining, ah, so,” his nose twitched in distaste. “Welcome.” He gestured to Uludan and Essek - to  _ Thain _ , because he was Thain here,  _ not _ Essek. “I, sorry, my manners - ah, this is Lord Athesius Uludan -”

Lord Uludan bows at the group. “Ah, it is a pleasure to meet all of you - what is your name?”

“Oh, we’re the Mighty Nein,” Veth answers, and hearing it again now that he can actually see them makes it much harder for Essek to keep from spiraling. “W-we’re the -”

“Mighty Nein,” Uludan repeats, his eyebrows raising and showing how impressed he is.

“We’re a band of heroes who has, has s-set out to save the world and we’re darn-tooin’ nearly done,” she nods, finishing with an intimidatingly toothy grin.

Uludan gives them a subtle once over. “Well, that is mighty impressive, I am extremely humbled by your presence.”

“I think we’ve heard of you actually,” Veth tells him.

“Really?” Uludan gets out, and now he seems a little unsure. “I did not know that my name got around in goblin circles. This is very exciting.”

Veth visibly deflates upon hearing that, and it makes Essek bristle seeing her downtrodden expression. They had finished Halas’ spell - it wouldn’t be long now until Veth was back in the right body.

“Yeah, we - we talk,” Veth said quietly.

“Well, whoever cares, tell them that I say hello,” Uludan smiled, and Essek knew that he hadn’t been ill intentioned in his words, but it still made Essek dislike the mage more than he had initially. He figured that anyone in the Assembly was going to automatically fall into poor favor with him.

“We are less familiar with your friend, over here,” Caleb cut in, nodding towards Essek - towards Thain. He lifted his gaze to meet Caleb’s, and those bright blue eyes that had grown so warm were cool and wary now. Brilliant, beautiful Caleb. His heart seized in his chest. He was going to see right through him.

“Oh, this is, ah, Lord Dezran Thain,” Uludan introduces, and now the spotlight is on him.

Moving forward hesitantly, he waved his hand feebly. “My apologies for not introducing myself, ah, I am just -” he wracked his brain for the persona he had created for himself, “one of the lords of here - Nicodranas.” He gestured to Uludan and Ludinus. “Um, and I’m meeting with some friends in preparation for their journey ahead.”

Jester’s eyes instantly narrowed, taking him in a little more carefully.

He turned away from her as quickly as he could without drawing undue attention. “But nevertheless, it is - it is -” and now Caduceus is looking at him funny, his head cocked to the side and a pink brow raised, almost expectantly. “A pleasure to meet you, Mighty Nein, um -” He looks away from Caduceus, and his eyes land on Caleb, because oh, don’t they always? Caleb is looking at him, those bright blue eyes holding his gaze without reservation, and he feels like he’s looking through him, seeing  _ Essek _ , not Thain. “I apologize -” he rushes out, tearing his eyes away from Caleb and turning to the Martinet. “I must be off.”

“Are you going to be, ah, joining us for the - for the voyage or, or, ah?” Caduceus asks easily.

“No, I - I will be staying here with my home in Nicodranas, but I wish you all luck on the journey,” he answered politely, feeling the way his accent was starting to slip up, becoming more of a lisp as he desperately tried to keep it in place. “Um,” he turned and nodded to all of them, dodging Caleb’s eyes. “Have a good - a good day.”

“How do you get your hair so pointy?” Yasha spoke up, and it was so innocuous and incongruent for how he was feeling at the same time that that almost tripped him up more than everything else.

He didn’t trust his voice to answer, so instead he “cast”  _ prestidigitation _ , allowing his  _ disguise _ to shift just the slightest around his hair to reaffix the style of his hair that Yasha had pointed out. He casts a nervous glance to Ludinus, watching as Jester and Beauregard exchange a look before Beauregard nudges Caleb lightly, whispering something under her breath that makes Caleb give him a calculating once over before something Essek can’t quite recognize passes over Caleb’s face.

“Of course,” the Martinet steps forward, cutting off any other questions they may have. “Ah, Dezran, ah, we will, ah, we will see you tomorrow, ah - when is the actual event happening if you don’t mind me requesting-”

“Ah, yes,” Uludan nods, and Essek remembers that he had accepted Uludan’s invitation to the party that the Marquis was hosting the following night - the party he had politely assured he would be at. “Uh, actually,” he starts, grinning at the Mighty Nein, and Essek feels his stomach sink further, something he didn’t think was even possible anymore. “If you’re interested in coming at all, there is, ah, an event, a party, that is to happen, um, this is in two - two nights from now. Before we head out, if you’re interested.” He waved a welcoming hand. “We’d love to have such esteemed individuals who are saving the world around here and, ah, the Martinet has spoken of you, I believe previously, so if you’d like to come.” He shrugged. “Um, the actual information regarding this is, ah, at the Marquis Zhafe’s domain.”

“I think - I think Mama got asked to perform there one time at a party but she didn’t end up accepting,” Jester told them, and Essek flinched internally, suddenly remembering that Jester was actually  _ from _ Nicodranas.

“Why n- why not?” Fjord asked.

“She - you know, she didn’t want to,” Jester said simply.

“Who’s your mother then?” Uludan commented, raising a brow.

“Um, the Ruby of the Sea,” Jester smiled sweetly, her affection for her mother clear in her voice.

His eyes widened before he smiled. “I am quite familiar with your mother. She is a brilliant performer and I am, I - she was never, I believe, denied an invitation?”

“Oh, no, no,” Jester clarified. “She was asked to go, she just was unable to attend.”

“Well, I apologize that our personage does not meet her standards,” Uludan says.

“Not at all, no - she, she was very ill,” Jester explained.

“Beyond myself, of course,” Uludan laughed.

“And so she wasn’t able to leave at that time,” Jester finished.

Uludan nodded. “Well, if she would like to come and to perform, perhaps, ah, for this event that my cousin is holding that would be wonderful.”

“Nah, Jester’s just being nice - it’s about the standards,” Beauregard shrugged.

Jester shook her head quickly. “No, it’s not - no - it’s really not, it’s really not. No, my mama -”

“I’m not offended,” Uludan rallied, and he seemed like he was definitely answering honestly. “My cousin is a dead dog. But, ah, I mean, I’ve been by the, ah, Chateau myself a number of times. She is a wonderful woman. It is a pleasure to meet you.” He bows, taking Jester’s hand and giving it a gentlemanly kiss.

She smiles at him and gives him a polite curtsy.

Essek chances a glance at Caleb as everyone watches Uludan and Jester’s exchange, and he sees that Caleb is looking out towards the docks, and there’s the briefest arcane flare in the familiar blue there, but it's gone just as quickly as it appeared as Essek immediately averts his gaze when Caleb turns to catch him looking.

“Actually, Dezran, ah, if we could have a conversation before you leave,” Ludinus spoke up. “That would be, ah, wonderful.” He looks around at the Nein. “Um, and, if you will attend, I think that would be, ah, um - a glorious event to introduce you to some of the more important figures that are going to be part of this negotiation as well as the local, ah, society here in Nicodranas.”

“That is an excellent idea,” Caleb starts, his gaze turning from Essek - from  _ Thain, Thain, not Essek _ \- as he looks at Ludinus. “We want to become more familiar with each other before we set out.”

“Of course,” Ludinus nodded.

“We are going to be working together - it is going to be wonderful,” Caleb finishes, an edge to his voice.

“What is, ah, your means of transportation?” the Martinet asks. He feigns an apologetic look. “I apologize, there is not room for more passengers.”

“Oh, we’ve got our own ship,” Jester assures him. “It’s really, really fancy, don’t you worry about us.”

“Alright,” Ludinus nods. “Uh, if I might have the name of the ship to ensure that there is approval from the wharfmaster?”

Veth raised a brow at Fjord before turning to Ludinus. “We travel by - we travel by ball.”

Jester gestured to Fjord. “Um, Captain, would you - you, you can introduce your ship. I know it's a place of great pride for you.”

“You’re the captain of the ship?” Ludinus asked. “So you’ve traveled the, ah, Lucidian Ocean quite a bit, I see. That’s impressive.”

“Yep, yeah,” Fjord agrees, as Jester nods enthusiastically. “Grand vessel by the name of the  _ Balle-” _ he mumbled.

“I’m terribly sorry, I did not catch that, what was the name again?” Ludinus inquired again.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, yes, it was the  _ Ballea - _ ” Fjord trailed off, looking away and scratching the back of his neck.

Ludinus’ nose twitched. “I’m afraid you’re sneezing mid sentence,” he deadpanned. “I’m not catching -”

“ _ THE BALLEATER, _ ” Fjord got out loudly.

An awkward silence hangs over the group, and Essek swallows hard, remembering that  _ exact _ ship on his morning’s stroll, and now knowing why it tugged on his memory - he remembered Veth telling the Bright Queen about their ship when they first told her about the Empire’s intention to bargain a peace treaty in exchange for the beacon. If he had to bet money he was sure that Jester had something to do with the naming of the ship.

“Martinet,” Caleb cut in, breaking the silence. “There is no man alive who knows more about this sea and ships specifically, than this man before you.” He motions to Fjord.

Yasha nodded. “You should - you should quiz him.” Fjord’s eyes widened in alarm as Yasha continued, “The-the, the sailing terms that he knows is really, ah, spectacular.”

“Oh, you know what,” Fjord squeaks, before clearing his throat and clutching his stomach. “I-I think I ate something that disagreed with me, I’m going to just - if you don’t, ah, ah, pardon me.” And then Fjord promptly turned around and began to walk off the ship.

Lord Uludan patted him on the arm sympathetically. “Do not worry, friend. But, ah, please, do come, it would be a pleasure to have you and to introduce you to the delights of Nicodranas.”

“I would love to go to a party,” Jester gushed, clapping her hands excitedly.

“Wonderful,” Uludan smiled.

“Two nights - two nights from now then?” Veth asked.

“Yes, tomorrow night,” Uludan nodded.

“Tomorrow night!” both Veth and Jester repeated.

Jester raised a brow. “Oh, man. Do we just show up, or are we on the list - do we need to bring an invite? Or what, how does - ?”

“I’ll go ahead and ensure that the doorman is aware of your arrival and what to look for,” he told them.

“Okay,” Jester grinned.

“Dress nicely, please,” Uludan instructed, that smile still on his face.

“Now is probably a good time to, um, state that, ah, the Bright Queen,” Caleb says, and Essek feels himself freeze up. “Who we are here on behalf of, has requested that we inspect the artifact in question before setting sail.” Essek’s eyes dart from Caleb to the Martinet. “To make sure that it is intact.”

“That can certainly be arranged,” the Martinet grants. “Certainly - immediately. Ah, before, before the end of the voyage, we’d be happy to, to allow you a moment to inspect the artifact.”

Caleb’s brow raises. “Oh, I was hoping to look at it maybe before the party?”

“Perhaps tomorrow midday then?” Ludinus suggests.

“Very well,” Caleb nods.

“Why can’t we look at it now?” Jester asks.

“It’s not currently on the ship, and it's in the process of being prepared for the journey,” Ludinus lied easily.

“Before we set sail, at the very least,” Caduceus presses, but his eyes turn to Essek - to  _ Thain, gods, he’s Thain right now - _ as he says that.

“Not a worry,” Ludinus assures. “It will be provided. I promise.” Caduceus nods at his words, and Ludinus looks around at all of them. “Alright, well, good luck, enjoy, ah, your preparation, and safe voyage to all of you.” He gave them a short wave, his way of dismissing them. “But, ah, enjoy - and if you require anything, I believe you can just let me know,” he finishes, looking towards Jester.

She gives Ludinus a tight smile, and Essek feels himself warm when he realizes that whenever Essek has implied Jester’s  _ sending _ abilities, she’s always been mischievously smug and happy, but when Ludinus does it she’s stiffly polite. She genuinely does like Essek - and that reminder wounds Essek like a physical blow. He looks away from them.

“Most gracious,” Caduceus says as Veth waves at Ludinus.

“Ah, Dezran,” Ludinus calls out, grabbing his attention and gesturing to the door that would lead below deck. 

Essek gives the group a polite look and a nod as he steps ahead of the Martinet, trying to ignore the look in Caleb’s eyes, the recognition that he knows lies just out of reach and that he desperately hopes doesn’t lead to him.

* * *

“Just look at the ocean, it is so beautiful,” he tells Beau, putting a hand on her shoulder - but he doesn’t hear her response as he’s suddenly seeing and hearing everything from Frumpkin’s perspective. “So blue,” he continues, with no idea how the other end of the conversation was going.

Caleb was frankly terrified - if Frumpkin was discovered snooping around on the Assembly’s ship, it wouldn’t take Da’leth long to trace him back to them. He was terrified, praying that they wouldn’t be found out.

“Don’t forget that I cannot hear anything,” Caleb whispered, because right now, of all times, was the time when they needed to be as inconspicuous as possible. “So if you try to talk to me I can’t hear you.”

Frumpkin slowly lowers himself down inside the gunhole window, gently coming to stand on the gundeck. Looking around, he can only see two cannons, beautiful and elegant and clearly arcane in nature, and while those did nothing to quell his fears, the magical artillery that he knows the mages themselves are carrying is what really sets him on edge.

“ _ Scheisse _ ,” he swears under his breath.

Then there’s a set of footsteps, and Frumpkin darts behind one of the cannons.

“I couldn’t help but gauge your discomfort with the conversation.” That was Ludinus.

“Well, I just wasn’t expecting to see them,” someone answers, and Caleb hadn’t heard anyone else come in after Ludinus - but it was a voice that Caleb recognized, one that sent his heart beating double in his chest.

“Shh,” Ludinus hisses. “Hold on.”

Frumpkin peeks around the cannon, slowly, ever so slowly, and now he can see Ludinus and Thain as Ludinus mutters something quietly under his breath and goes through the somatic components of a spell Caleb’s familiar with -  _ dispel magic. _

There’s a small ripple in the air around them, a shimmer that extends and almost reaches Frumpkin - but Caleb isn’t focused on that. He can’t tear his eyes away from Dezran Thain - from who was once Dezran Thain.

He feels his hand fall from where he’d been holding Beau’s shoulder.

“Of course I am uncomfortable with this,” Essek snaps. He looks pained, almost genuinely so where he now stands - no, where he floats beside Da’leth, his  _ disguise _ now gone. “I - I did not know they were going to be coming directly here.”

“I understand,” the Martinet nods. “But it's extremely important how we enforce and oversee the control and the exchange of the prisoners and the delivery of the beacon.” His voice is hard, sharp.

Essek looks away, still looking troubled, still looking unsure. “I agree,” he says nonetheless.

“We each have what we want,” Ludinus presses, motioning to himself and Essek. “And when this business is behind us we need not interact ever again. The Assembly will share it's research, per the deal, and beyond - and we never have to speak.”

The uncertainty that haunted him evaporated as he met the Martinet’s gaze. “I look forward to never seeing your face again.” Then that look returns, that pained look - the one Caleb had seen outside of the Dungeon of Penance, the one he had seen as he’d left them near the Whitedawn Lagoon. “But we’re - too far in at this point.” He swallows hard, looking away. “It's taken a lot of effort to ensure that tracks have been covered, and no one,” he gives a self deprecating smile, one that slides off his face acidly, “undeserving was hurt.” He meets Ludinus’ gaze again. “But I want no further part in this once this is done.”

Ludinus steps forward, getting uncomfortably close to Essek as he searches his face. “I’m surprised to see such affection from such a previously cold individual.”

Turning away, Essek admits, “Well, I’m surprised myself.” Then, he gives Ludinus an unwavering look. “Maybe you should try friends some time.”

Da’leth holds Essek’s gaze for a beat before stepping away. “Hold it together for the time being. We cannot have you mysteriously disappearing with that poor s - attempt at hiding your discomfort earlier. Do your part. Alright?”

He gives Ludinus a defeated nod before he sighs, his shoulders dropping. “I hate parties,” he says quietly, before he waves a hand and suddenly he disappears, replaced by Dezran Thain again before he turns around and begins to head back out onto the deck.

Caleb sends Frumpkin to glance outside, through the gunhole that he’d climbed in through, and, sure enough, there was Lord Thain walking off the gangplank. He sends Frumpkin after him - at a discrete distance - before he blinked himself back into his own body, finally letting himself acknowledge the sea spray that had begun to run down his face.

Shaking himself out of it, he shoves his hands in his pockets as he hears someone politely say, “Hello.”

“Oh, hey again,” Jester greets with a small wave, and Caleb glances at Essek - at Lord Thain, and now that he knows it's Essek he can hear his voice beneath the false pitch he’s given this Nicodranan persona, can recognize the curve of his nose and the set of his lips despite the  _ disguise _ .

Caduceus and Beau wave too, but Caleb is just standing there, rooted to the spot.

“Have a r - a good day,” Essek - Lord Thain - stutters out with a feeble wave, and his eyes glance over Caleb, stopping on him for the briefest of moments, and there’s a flash of worry and fear there. “And, ah -” he started, a half step that was quickly abandoned as Jester cut in.

“See you at the party!” she grinned.

Fjord nodded. “See you tomorrow night.”

“Yes, indeed,” Lord Thain - Essek - says, turning back to Jester. “See you then.”

“Pleasure meeting you,” Caleb forces himself to get out.

He nods, averting Caleb’s gaze before he does meet his eyes, and how couldn’t he have fucking noticed, they were  _ Essek’s eyes _ , and Essek slips up, it’s his voice, finishing softly, “You as well.”

Then he hurries past them, trying to put as much distance between himself and the group, and it collapses onto Caleb all at once, everything he’d been skirting around this whole time - and isn’t this the worst time for Caleb to realize that he cares about this man? Isn’t this the worst time to realize that he’s put his heart on the line, that’s he’s  _ invested _ , that he cares, that he’s worried and he’s scared, and he’s so deeply, heartbreakingly, irrevocably in  _ lo- _

Caleb blinks hard, taking a shaky breath and rubbing a hand across his eyes, realizing that what he thought was merely sea spray had been his tears this whole time.

* * *

“Dezran Thain is actually our good friend, Essek Thelyss,” Caleb gets out once they’re in the captain’s quarters on the  _ Balleater _ . He tells them about what he saw, what he heard, and there’s disbelief and disappointment amongst the group, a hurt that mirror’s Caleb’s own.

“I mean it oddly makes a lot of sense,” Beau gets out.

“Does he -” Jester starts, before sighing loudly.

“When you look back at,” Beau makes a vague gesture. “Everything.”

“He’s good -” Caleb mumbles, because Essek  _ was _ good, to get away with something like this for so long, when he was exactly the person they had been looking for.

“And he said we were friends,” Jester cries, her lower lip trembling and her eyes shiny with tears.

“Hard to read,” Caleb says, and it feels like there are thorns in his chest. “Hard to read.”

“But to what end - what is he trying to gain out of this?” Nott asks.

“Research was mentioned,” Caleb answers. He blinks back his own tears. “I don’t entirely understand the context.”

They talk about the prisoner exchange, and the beacon, about how it could possibly fall into Essek’s hands rather than going back to the queen.

Jester shakes her head. “No, but Essek is probably the one that delivered it - he, he’s the guy that leaked the beacons in the first place.”

“Handed them over,” Beau agreed.

Caleb’s hands are in his pockets again, to keep them from shaking so noticeably. “All the bells are ringing - every fear we have seems to be coming true. This is some sort of ploy.” And he let himself get strung along - he let the  _ Mighty Nein _ get strung along as all his fears began to rear their deadly heads.

“Well, we just need to ask him,” Jester says, looking up at Caleb.

His eyes widen and his breath catches in his throat as Nott makes an uncertain sound.

“I mean, why not?” Jester pressed. She looked around at all of them, but her eyes keep falling on Caleb. “You know, he really likes us - he could probably tell us the truth once we know.”

“This is going to be a very weird party,” Caduceus sighs.

A steady hand pats Caleb on the shoulder. “Caleb, how do you - how do you feel?” Fjord asks him.

He remembers a gentle hand on his shoulder, a feather light touch, soft fingers slipping in between his. He remembers ink stains and messy hair and breathless wonder. He remembers the way he says Caleb’s name, the way his name tastes on Caleb’s tongue.

“I feel like a fool.” The words are ashes in his mouth.

“W-why - because he didn’t,” Fjord looks at him knowingly, giving his shoulder a squeeze. “Loop us in?”

“No,” Caleb answers, shrugging Fjord off and stepping away from the group. “I worried about him for ages thinking that he was perhaps the mole we were worried about and -” He stops himself. He can’t say it. Not out loud. “When I finally did away with that fear.” He can feel them looking at him, but he can’t bring himself to meet their gaze, not when there are thorns in his mouth and he feels as if he’s being pierced from the inside. “I had it confirmed.”

Silence settles on the group, but Caleb can’t stand that either, not when he’s left in his own head, and he thinks of the Dungeon of Penance, of the Whitedawn Lagoon, of the gundeck of the  _ Wind of Aeons. _

“He seemed somewhat conflicted,” Caleb admits, and he wants to hang onto that, he doesn’t want to let that go, and he knows it's foolish, it's childish, it’s naive, but he can’t, not when it’s him, not when it's Essek. “But, ah, not enough to slow his pursuit,” he reminded himself painfully. “Maybe sense could be talked to him but I worry that if we confront him -” he takes a shaky breath. “They’ll stop whatever they’re doing.” Or worse.

Jester, then, thankfully steps in to propose a plan to talk Essek up around “Dezran Thain” in order to make Essek feel guilty, and it gives Caleb a few seconds of respite to put himself back together.

“Well, we definitely need to go to this party,” Nott says, picking up the thread after Jester. “And see what else we can find.” Jester nods beside her. “Tail him, or, or investigate him, or knock him out - or, or, or-or something. We could - do we have any poison? Can we poison him, and -”

Eyes wide with alarm, Caleb intercedes. “Well, if we remove him from the equation -”

“None of this happens,” Beau finishes.

Caleb nods. “None of this happens,  _ ja _ .”

“He’s integral to this entire -” Beau continues.

“But he said he wasn’t even coming,” Jester huffed. “I mean, he was another guy, but -”

Nott turns to Fjord. “But Fjord could - Fjord could  _ disguise _ himself as D-dezran Thain.”

“Whoa, ah -” Fjord immediately objects, and then the group concots an insanely dangerous plan to supplant Essek with Fjord on the Assembly ship.

“We do not have near enough information for any of that to be pulled off smoothly,” Beau says, putting that plan to rest.

Caleb nods, hearing Jester and Caduceus’ murmurs of agreement. “That is true,” Caleb gets out. “And we are also dealing with the most intelligent, ruthless, and cunning practitioners of the arcane in all of the Empire.” With Essek in the thick of it all.

They plan a bit more - just the idea of a plan, nothing solid, not with this news still so fresh on their minds, when Fjord turns to Nott.

“Nott, do you still want to go forward with your - ?” Fjord begins to ask.

“I mean, I’m a little distracted,” Nott admits. “Now that we’ve been betrayed.” Caleb flinches at her words. “Ah, also, Essek is the one who gave us this,” she looks up at Caleb. “You know, who-who helped unlock the secret of this spell is it - is it a bad thing?”

Jester gasps, immediately telling the group of her new plan to get Essek to come clean - but Caleb isn’t focused on that, he can’t focus on that. His nails are digging crescent moons into the palms of his hands, and he’s trying so hard to stay even though everything he wants to do is run and hide and get away from what he’s feeling. Essek wouldn’t have - he didn’t - there was no  _ foul play _ involved in the spell work -

There’s the memory of the brush of skin as Essek hands Caleb spell components, both of their fingers ink stained, Essek’s mantle a puddle on the floor.

No, Caleb ground out. It was the hag - it was Isharnai. That wasn’t Essek.

A soft smile shared over parchment, finishing each other’s thoughts and work and the excitement of it all.

Letting out a shaky breath, Caleb shakes his head. No, he thinks with conviction. Essek helped them. Because he was - he was -

“Remember when he came over and we pressured him into getting into the hot tub,” Beau says.

How could he ever forget? He remembers how close they were, how Essek had leaned into his touch, how Caleb would have just needed to duck down to close the distance.

That seemed like it was a lifetime ago.

“And we, like, bonded,” Beau continued. “He was talking about his pursuits, and about how he - how badly he wants to see how far he can take dunamancy, and how far he could reach beyond what is sanctioned or structured within the Dynasty.”

“Yeah, and we know the Empire has been monkeying around with it,  _ ja _ ?” Because maybe that was it - maybe Essek was just taking advantage of the Empire’s meddling to get his own research ahead as well.

Beau nodded. “Yeah.”

“So, perhaps Essek is trying to learn more about their own artifact from the Empire and what the Empire has twisted it into,” Caleb says. And maybe that’s all this was, Essek doing his Shadowhand duties and staying one step ahead of everyone.

The explanation sounded hollow even to himself.

Caduceus and Beau bring up the prisoners, bringing up the possibility that this is yet  _ another _ deal, one that had been going on right beneath their noses.

“Right, but we - we trust Essek,” Fjord said, and it loosened the vice around Caleb’s chest, letting him breathe a little easier. “We have to at least give him the opportunity to fail, right? I mean, he might be altruistic - he might be doing this for good reasons.”

“Or at least give him the opportunity to explain himself,” Caduceus added, and now Caleb feels like he’s taken his first full breath in ages. “And then maybe give us the opportunity to -”

“Kill him,” Yasha finished, and the vice clamps down on Caleb’s chest again, burying the thorns within deep into his heart.

Caduceus blinks once. “Or, or cover and try and help make sure that everything goes well for everybody, or -”

“That’s what I meant,” Yasha backtracks, nodding. “You said it in a different way.”

“I mean, I-I, I respect the initiative,” Caduceus tells her.

Nott steps up, moving closer to Caleb. “I-I, I see it as a choice between - are we going to confront Essek before this journey, or just tag along on the journey and hope to learn more?”

“But he said he wasn’t coming,” Jester reminded them. “I mean, he said Lord Thain wasn’t coming on the journey.”

“He’s clearly coming,” Nott said easily.

Beau nodded. “He’s coming. He wouldn’t be here if he wasn’t coming.”

With a shrug, Caduceus says, “He, he’ll be in the other boat.”

Caleb sighs, looking around at them. “He could maybe be  _ disguised _ as someone else.”

“Absolutely,” Beau agreed.

“All we know is that there is a lot we do not know,” Caleb gets out. Too many variables, too much that can go wrong, too much at stake.

“And we can’t endanger him at this party, that’s not the opportunity of - to confront him, that should be some other time,” Fjord tells them. “We don’t want to put him in danger if his intentions are good.”

“He did say we were friends,” Jester repeats, and Caleb wants to hold onto that with the same conviction that she does.

Beau is completely unconvinced. “If his intentions are good then why is he hiding it?”

“It’s possible he is playing,” Caleb pauses, finding the word dying in his throat. The Empire wasn’t home, not anymore. At least not for him. He looks at Beau. “Your, ah, home country.”

Jester gives a sheepish shrug. “It’s also possible, you know, that he thinks we’re kind of fuck ups and we might ruin his plan if we knew about it.”

“I just worry if we confront him or take him out of the picture all of this deal will fall on its face,” Caleb says, and he is relieved that his voice sounds so steady when he feels like he’s collapsing inside.

“No, we have to let him,” Beau admits.

“And intentions and actions are rarely connected, they’re distant cousins,” Caduceus adds, and Caleb feels like even if he wasn’t falling apart he’d still have trouble deciphering what that meant. “I mean it’s true, think about everybody here. This is a whole group of people with -” Caduceus frowns, then shrugs. “I mean I’ll just say it, we have some issues.”

The hush that meets Caduceus’ words is loaded - no one can refute him.

“Alright,” Nott skirts past his comment. “W-we’re going to this party - we can learn more there possibly.” She glances to Jester. “In the meantime, let’s go see your mom.”

Jester smiles. “Yeah.”

Everything that comes after feels like a whirlwind of activity as they make their way to the Lavish Chateau, gathering the gem dust and clay for Nott’s spell as they go. They’re all in Marion’s bathroom now, all watching as Nott climbs into the clay mold that they’ve put into Marion’s bathtub.

“You sure you are ready?” Caleb asks Nott, taking her hand in his. He needs to know she is sure, because right now - right now he is not sure about anything.

“No,” Nott says, plain and simple. She squeezes his hand. “But I’m gonna do it anyway.”

That helps ease his aching heart, helping clear the haze from his mind. Not being ready wasn’t so bad. You just had to be brave enough to keep going and working and doing the best with what you had - that’s what Nott had taught him.

“And - and I-I’m not, I’m not sure what will happen afterwards but, you know, no matter what, I -” she looked around at all of them. “Y-you guys will help me get through it. And if for some reason I don’t come back, or come back different or leave or something -” Caleb’s heart tightens. “- You know how much you all mean to me. And -” She looks at Jester. “Jester, I hope we have more adventures together.”

“Me too,” Jester tells her, holding on tightly to the gem dust in her hands as she steps up and gives Nott a kiss on the nose.

“Caduceus, thank you for being honest and-and showing us that you can be scared too and that’s okay,” Nott says, looking at Caduceus, before turning to Yasha. “Yasha, I’m like 60% sure you’re not evil now.”

Yasha raises a brow. “That should be a lower percentage.” She pulls out Nott’s flask. “Would you like a sip of your wine?”

Nott shakes her head. “No, thanks.” She turns to Fjord. “F-fjord, I’m sorry that I always call you weak but I only do that because I know you’re strong enough to take it.”

Fjord nods at her words, and it’s clear that he’s blinking back tears.

“Beau,” Nott continues, “Thank you for taking care of Mr. Caleb and - and Caleb -” Nott squeezes his hand, looking up at him. “You know - I love you. And you’re the second love of my life. Thank you for being with me.”

“I -” Caleb starts, and he feels a knot in his throat and his vision goes blurry before he blinks and lets the tears fall. This feels too much like a goodbye. “Love you, too, Veth, the Brave.”

She grins toothily at him, and Caleb memorizes this moment, because it’ll be the last time he’ll see this smile. “Well, we’ll see,” she shrugs. She looks to Jester. “Alright - glitter me, Jester!”

Caleb drops her hand after Jester tosses the gem dust onto her, busying himself with drawing out the sigils and runes and instructing Beau in hushed tones what incense to burn. It feels different this time, lonelier, to not have someone instinctively know what comes next and meet him halfway there. His chest aches again, but he shoves it to the back of his mind, refusing to think of slender fingers and encouraging smiles and comforting touches.

Then comes the ritual.

Everyone stands back, giving Caleb room in front of the tub as he begins to go through the incantation. The outermost runes light up as the clay begins to melt and mold over Veth, completely encasing her. He feels that psychic link again, he can feel her worry and fear but her burning determination, and he reaches out to that emotion, settling there as he encourages her to think of her true self, the form she will be retaking during the spell.

The second ring of glyphs flare to life as the clay begins to glow a soft orange before getting brighter and brighter and brighter, like the sun, and when the third ring of sigils lights up, the clay cocoon begins to rise out of the tub, held aloft by the spell alone as Caleb takes the arcane threads from around and begins to weave it through the clay, following Veth’s instructions.

Time means nothing during the spell, but Caleb knows exactly how much time has passed, and when they reach the final words of the incantation after an hour, Caleb lets them out in a shout that matches the shockwave that emits from the glowing clay, a shockwave that drains Caleb of his strength and that sends them all stumbling a few steps back and that shatters the clay and the tub, leaving only a floating, glowing body, like the sun made flesh.

Shielding his eyes with his hand, Caleb slowly peeks between his fingers, the bright light fading slowly - and Nott’s gone. There’s a halfling woman, with twin braids of dark hair and a round face and -

She reaches up to touch her face, pulls up at her lip to run her finger over her teeth - not jagged anymore.

“You are  _ not _ the goblin I first met,” Caleb shakily tells her. He desperately, desperately hopes that she is though.

“Did it work?” she asks, and her voice is husky, like silk, and Caleb feels something deflate in his chest, he was hoping for something,  _ anything _ to be the same -

Her face contorts as she puts a hand to her mouth, coughing wildly. “Sorry, sorry,” Veth gets out, and she sounds like her, she sounds like his best friend. “I, ah, I had some -” she spits something out onto the ground, wrinkling her nose. “There was some clay in my throat there. Fuck, it’s dry. Did it - did it work?”

Beau breaks away from the group, snatching up a mirror off the counter nearby, holding it up to Veth. Her mouth falls open as she looks at herself, turning her face this way and that, just to take it all in. The aquamarine of her tattoo still accented her eyes, the details having transferred over beautifully.

“It is good to meet you again,” Caleb gets out.

She looks up at them, her face showing her disbelief.

“Hi,” Jester greets softly, with Caduceus and Yasha echoing her, punctuated by Beau’s “S’up.”

Veth gives them a little curtsy, almost shy in her movements, as she reaches up and twists a strand of her hair around her finger. She meets Caleb’s gaze, and there’s absolutely no hesitation as she runs up to him, launching herself into his arms and hugging him just as tightly as he holds her.

“I’m so proud of you,” Caleb whispers, and there’s tears running down his face, happy and relieved even as his chest aches and his heart feels like the millions of pieces of clay and porcelain that litter the ground - but right now, in this moment, everything’s alright. 

She tightens her hold on him. “I’m so proud of you. You can do anything.”

Everything’s alright with his family, everyone is safe and Veth - she’s back, she’s finally in her own skin again, and she looks so happy as she breaks away from Caleb to go look for Yeza and Luc.

And so Caleb holds on tightly to the parchment with the spell on it, refusing to look down at it again - not when he knows he’ll see Essek’s handwriting again and this moment, too, will shatter into a million pieces.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry to end it there, but this episode cannot be just trimmed down into one fic, it demands two to really get in there, and man was it hard to figure out the perfect spot to stop at T.T
> 
> and man, isn't that just the perfect time for Caleb to realize his feelings?? Just throw in some more angst into the mix?? And Essek just panicking the whole time?? Good Shit all around, I really, really enjoyed that, but fuck man I teared the fuck up when Caleb was like "I feel like a fool" that line ENDED me
> 
> On a lighter note, another gem from my own notes, although this is all the way from ep 91 but just to lighten the mood: 3:28:30 “we should explore other things” like bruh and then “I have some ideas”
> 
> I would keep going and talking and talking, but I don't want to spoil anything, so imma shut up now and get back to homework so i can get back to writing too (and I have a bit of a surprise that [I hope] I can tell you all about on the next fic, so look forward to that!!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, stay safe and take care, and I really hope you guys liked it!!
> 
> This fic - this whole fucking series - was inspired by:  
> Family Shatters | Critical Role | Campaign 2, Episode 96 - 2:45:50 - 2:52:40, 3:21:20  
> The Fancy and the Fooled | Critical Role | Campaign 2, Episode 97 - Live from Chicago! - 39:00 - 56:40, 1:01:35 - 1:08:17, 1:12:00 - 1:24:15, 1:44:00 - 1:52:40


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